Saturday, July 25, 2009

Ten Top Reasons Why Gordon Brown is NOT Winston Churchill

Gordon Brown saved the nation from the nasty Global Economic Crisis. Now he fancies himself as a modern-day Winston Churchill. But is he?

Churchill and Brown - astonishing similarities.

According to political historian, Heidi Clare of the Oxford Institute of Political Historians, 'Churchill is most famous for being the last white person ever to be given the name Winston. No black person has ever been named Gordon.'

Mona Lott
of the Cambridge Institute of Oxford Studies added, 'They are very different. Winston Churchill often showed up to the House of Commons drunk and made an arse of himself. Gordon Brown is a tea-totaller and did it all without alcohol.'

Debate rages in the nation. Is Gordon Brown the new Winston Churchill?

Here are my Top 10 Reasons why I think not:
  1. Churchill gave his classic V salute to the British people with the palm of his hand pointing forwards. Brown gave his V salute to the British people with the palm of his hand pointing backwards. (see above)
  2. Both said, 'Never has so much been owed by so many to so few'. Winston rewarded the few only with praise, medals and meagre pensions. Brown gave them a million billion pounds with gold-plated pensions.
  3. Brown is famous for having no bottle. Churchill is famous for never being far from one.
  4. In 1909 Churchill created the Labour Exchanges to help unemployed people find work. In 2009 Brown created millions of unemployed to help the Labour Exchanges find people.
  5. Churchill died in 1965 and was given a state funeral. Brown has been made the same offer by the British people but is still dithering.
  6. Churchill stated, 'A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.' Brown can't put his pants on because they're on fire.
  7. Churchill only saved Britain from the Forces of Darkness. Brown saved the World from the Masters of the Universe.
  8. Churchill said, 'It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.' Brown gave Barack Obama a book of quotations - by Churchill.
  9. As Chancellor of the Exchequer Churchill ignored Keynes and returned Britain to the Gold standard even though he was warned it could result in a depression. As Chancellor of the Exchequer Brown pissed away the gold, listened to Keynes and created a depression.
  10. 'Prime Minister Gordon Brown' is an anagram of 'Snot-mired Erring Wimp Broon' while 'Prime Minister Winston Churchill' is not.
So let's hear it. Is Gordon Brown the new Winston Churchill?

Enter below and win a PRIZE!!!.

Prizes include:
  • 1st Prize. A signed copy of Gordon Brown's Book 'Courage'.
  • 2nd Prize. Two signed copies of Gordon Brown's Book 'Courage'.
  • 3rd Prize. Nokia N-95 mobile phone - as used by Gordon Brown (needs some work).

You couldn't make it up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Gordon Brown solves 2500 year old Epimenides Paradox.

The Epimenides Paradox is a problem in logic. It is named after the Cretan philosopher Epimenides of Knossos (alive circa 600 BC), who stated Κρῆτες ἀεὶ ψεῦσται (Kretes aei pseystai), "Cretans, always liars". Today – thanks to the informed logic of our own Prime Minister Gordon Brown – logicians everywhere are marvelling at his solution to this, one of the most difficult to comprehend paradoxes in the history of history. Brown has finally cracked the Epimenides Paradox. Or to be more precise, Brown has created a new version, known in the academic jargon of logical philosophy as a ‘Paradoxical Inversion’ and this new version in itself is an absolute proof of the two and a half thousand year-old paradox. Now, Gordon Brown can tell the truth while he's lying - he literally lies when he tells the truth. Let me explain.

Gordon Broon - the new Knut of Knossis

Epimenides was a Cretan. He infamously once made the incredible statement, ‘Cretans always lie’. But keep in mind that Epimenides was himself a Cretan – so he must have been lying when he made the statement, ‘Cretans always lie’. So ‘Cretans always lie’ is itself a lie and he must have meant ‘Cretans always tell the truth’.

Now keep up! This is the tricky bit.

If Cretans always tell the truth then Epimenides must have been telling the truth when he said that ‘Cretans always lie’. But if Cretans always lie then he must have been lying. Can you see the paradox?
The Epimenides Paradox is one of the ‘holes in linguistic logic’ and clearly demonstrates that language is not to be trusted. Using the logic of Epimenides it is quite easy to prove that black is white, up is down - or cuts are investments.

Before the logic exhortations of our Dear Prime Minister the Epimenides Paradox was largely unexplored territory. There was one attempt in the 20th century by a man named Blair who wrote:

Applied to an opponent, it means the habit of impudently claiming that black is white, in contradiction of the plain facts. Applied to a Party member, it means a loyal willingness to say that black is white when Party discipline demands this. But it means also the ability to BELIEVE that black is white, and more, to KNOW that black is white, and to forget that one has ever believed the contrary.
This demands a continuous alteration of the past, made possible by the system of thought which really embraces all the rest, and which is known in Newspeak as DOUBLETHINK.

Blair, of course, changed his name to George Orwell before he published his seminal work, 1984 from which the above is taken. Few people now know him by his real name – Eric Blair.
Brown, however, has not merely resurrected his mentor Blair’s concept of DOUBLETHINK - or believing that black is white - but has gone much, much further in completely demolishing the Epimenides Paradox and mathematically proving that black is white, or in his case that budget ‘cuts’ are actually ‘investments’.

Epimenides (Greek For Robing Cook)

[Major’s Note: Possibly the best explanation of the Epimenides Paradox can be found in the Pulitzer Prize winning book Goedel, Escher & Bach by Douglas Hoffstader. A possibly better example of its application to real life can be found in the publication Budget 2009 by Alistair Darling].

According to spokesperson Dinah Soares at Labour Central Office, ‘Gordon always wanted to show that he was smarter than Blair. OK, he couldn’t do that with Tony but Eric was a push-over, wasn’t he. And by choosing a European icon like Epimenides Gordon has once again shown his European credentials.

Commenting for the European Central Bank, Dr. Kuntz Speyer stated, ‘Minister Braun has shown to uz his European papers. Now vee know zat wiv Herr Balls he talk all scheite.
Not everyone was impressed with Brown’s intellectual breakthrough, however. Nick Griffing of the British Nazi Party commented, ‘Let me put it in black and white terms. All Cretans are niggers. And with a name like Brown he must be black, huh?

The last word on the subject was had by Jenny Tull of the Cambridge Society of Grecian Formulae who says, ‘If George Orwell was alive today he’d be turning in his grave’.

George Michael
was unavailable for comment.

Let me, as a mark of admiration for the Great Broon, be the first to congratulate him on becoming the

Greatest Cretan since Epimenides.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Brown to Star in WHERE'S GORDO Book Series

Number 10 Downing Street today confirmed that the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown has not vanished at all. Instead he has been secretly working on a new book series to be published after the European Elections. WHERE’S GORDO will mimic the hugely successful WHERE’S WALLY or as it’s known in the USA, WHERE’S WALDO series of books. Each book contains a number of very highly detailed drawings showing thousands of people in a particular scenario – and only one of them is Gordo. The reader has to scour the picture in minute detail to find the solitary image of Gordo.

Gordo At The Beach (Click for larger version)

The first in the series Gordo Saves The Universe will feature Gordo At The Beach where the reader tries to pick out Gordo from over 1,500 images. The most difficult puzzle in the book is rumoured to be Gordo At The Job Centre where the poor reader is confronted with the daunting task of picking Gordo out of the 3 million unemployed.

Brown is believed to have been offered the contract because of his real-life reputation for being difficult to find when there’s work to do for which he earned the nickname ‘Macavity’.

Chancer Alistair Darling will also be appearing in print where he will play Bill the Badger in the reintroduction of Rupert the Bear cartoon series. Rupert the Bear was withdrawn from circulation many years ago after the name Rupert mysteriously became the second most unpopular name after Hitler.

Chancer Darling as Bill The Badger

Not to be outdone, Ed Balls has approached the Mirror Group with a proposal to reintroduce the traditional Spot The Balls competition. Popular in the 1980s Spot The Balls presents the reader with a scene from a football match where a number of players are caught in action. The reader has to determine which is the prick.

Ed Balls in Spot The Prick

According to Jean Poole of the Royal-Payne Talent Agency, ‘The rush by soon-to-be-former-Labour-MPs to turn themselves into cartoon characters is not unexpected. They can’t find a job in the real world so this is about the best they can do. Most Labour MPs will find this is the only way to make a living in the future. Except, of course, for John Prescott who's just totally fucking useless. If Walt Disney was alive today he’d be turning in his grave’.

Wylie T. Coyote was not available for comment as he is on the campaign trail in Salford running against Hazel Blears. However, he issued a statement saying, 'Often endogenous growth theory assumes constant marginal product of capital at the aggregate level, or at least that the limit of the marginal product of capital does not tend towards zero. This does not imply that larger firms will be more productive than small ones, because at the firm level the marginal product of capital is still diminishing. So Ed Balls must be the prick, eh?'

Hazel Blears is casting for a 2-episode part in The Simpsons while John Prescott stated, 'I've got a bus'.

You couldn't make it up.