Major Plonquer

Ten Top Reasons Why Gordon Brown is NOT Winston Churchill

2009-07-25T13:44:00.007+08:00

Gordon Brown saved the nation from the nasty Global Economic Crisis. Now he fancies himself as a modern-day Winston Churchill. But is he?

Churchill and Brown - astonishing similarities.

According to political historian, Heidi Clare of the Oxford Institute of Political Historians, 'Churchill is most famous for being the last white person ever to be given the name Winston. No black person has ever been named Gordon.'

Mona Lott of the Cambridge Institute of Oxford Studies added, 'They are very different. Winston Churchill often showed up to the House of Commons drunk and made an arse of himself. Gordon Brown is a tea-totaller and did it all without alcohol.'

Debate rages in the nation. Is Gordon Brown the new Winston Churchill?

Here are my Top 10 Reasons why I think not:

Churchill gave his classic V salute to the British people with the palm of his hand pointing forwards. Brown gave his V salute to the British people with the palm of his hand pointing backwards. (see above)
Both said, 'Never has so much been owed by so many to so few'. Winston rewarded the few only with praise, medals and meagre pensions. Brown gave them a million billion pounds with gold-plated pensions.
Brown is famous for having no bottle. Churchill is famous for never being far from one.
In 1909 Churchill created the Labour Exchanges to help unemployed people find work. In 2009 Brown created millions of unemployed to help the Labour Exchanges find people.
Churchill died in 1965 and was given a state funeral. Brown has been made the same offer by the British people but is still dithering.
Churchill stated, 'A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.' Brown can't put his pants on because they're on fire.
Churchill only saved Britain from the Forces of Darkness. Brown saved the World from the Masters of the Universe.
Churchill said, 'It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.' Brown gave Barack Obama a book of quotations - by Churchill.
As Chancellor of the Exchequer Churchill ignored Keynes and returned Britain to the Gold standard even though he was warned it could result in a depression. As Chancellor of the Exchequer Brown pissed away the gold, listened to Keynes and created a depression.
'Prime Minister Gordon Brown' is an anagram of 'Snot-mired Erring Wimp Broon' while 'Prime Minister Winston Churchill' is not.

So let's hear it. Is Gordon Brown the new Winston Churchill?

Enter below and win a PRIZE!!!.

Prizes include:

1st Prize. A signed copy of Gordon Brown's Book 'Courage'.
2nd Prize. Two signed copies of Gordon Brown's Book 'Courage'.
3rd Prize. Nokia N-95 mobile phone - as used by Gordon Brown (needs some work).

You couldn't make it up.

Gordon Brown solves 2500 year old Epimenides Paradox.

2009-07-02T21:13:00.012+08:00

The Epimenides Paradox is a problem in logic. It is named after the Cretan philosopher Epimenides of Knossos (alive circa 600 BC), who stated Κρῆτες ἀεὶ ψεῦσται (Kretes aei pseystai), "Cretans, always liars". Today – thanks to the informed logic of our own Prime Minister Gordon Brown – logicians everywhere are marvelling at his solution to this, one of the most difficult to comprehend paradoxes in the history of history. Brown has finally cracked the Epimenides Paradox. Or to be more precise, Brown has created a new version, known in the academic jargon of logical philosophy as a ‘Paradoxical Inversion’ and this new version in itself is an absolute proof of the two and a half thousand year-old paradox. Now, Gordon Brown can tell the truth while he's lying - he literally lies when he tells the truth. Let me explain.

Gordon Broon - the new Knut of Knossis

Epimenides was a Cretan. He infamously once made the incredible statement, ‘Cretans always lie’. But keep in mind that Epimenides was himself a Cretan – so he must have been lying when he made the statement, ‘Cretans always lie’. So ‘Cretans always lie’ is itself a lie and he must have meant ‘Cretans always tell the truth’.

Now keep up! This is the tricky bit.

If Cretans always tell the truth then Epimenides must have been telling the truth when he said that ‘Cretans always lie’. But if Cretans always lie then he must have been lying. Can you see the paradox? The Epimenides Paradox is one of the ‘holes in linguistic logic’ and clearly demonstrates that language is not to be trusted. Using the logic of Epimenides it is quite easy to prove that black is white, up is down - or cuts are investments.

Before the logic exhortations of our Dear Prime Minister the Epimenides Paradox was largely unexplored territory. There was one attempt in the 20th century by a man named Blair who wrote:

‘Applied to an opponent, it means the habit of impudently claiming that black is white, in contradiction of the plain facts. Applied to a Party member, it means a loyal willingness to say that black is white when Party discipline demands this. But it means also the ability to BELIEVE that black is white, and more, to KNOW that black is white, and to forget that one has ever believed the contrary. This demands a continuous alteration of the past, made possible by the system of thought which really embraces all the rest, and which is known in Newspeak as DOUBLETHINK.’

Blair, of course, changed his name to George Orwell before he published his seminal work, 1984 from which the above is taken. Few people now know him by his real name – Eric Blair. Brown, however, has not merely resurrected his mentor Blair’s concept of DOUBLETHINK - or believing that black is white - but has gone much, much further in completely demolishing the Epimenides Paradox and mathematically proving that black is white, or in his case that budget ‘cuts’ are actually ‘investments’.

Epimenides (Greek For Robing Cook)

[Major’s Note: Possibly the best explanation of the Epimenides Paradox can be found in the Pulitzer Prize winning book Goedel, Escher & Bach by Douglas Hoffstader. A possibly better example of its application to real life can be found in the publication Budget 2009 by Alistair Darling].

According to spokesperson Dinah Soares at Labour Central Office, ‘Gordon always wanted to show that he was smarter than Blair. OK, he couldn’t do that with Tony but Eric was a push-over, wasn’t he. And by choosing a European icon like Epimenides Gordon has once again shown his European credentials.’

Commenting for the European Central Bank, Dr. Kuntz Speyer stated, ‘Minister Braun has shown to uz his European papers. Now vee know zat wiv Herr Balls he talk all scheite.’ Not everyone was impressed with Brown’s intellectual breakthrough, however. Nick Griffing of the British Nazi Party commented, ‘Let me put it in black and white terms. All Cretans are niggers. And with a name like Brown he must be black, huh?’

The last word on the subject was had by Jenny Tull of the Cambridge Society of Grecian Formulae who says, ‘If George Orwell was alive today he’d be turning in his grave’.

George Michael was unavailable for comment.

Let me, as a mark of admiration for the Great Broon, be the first to congratulate him on becoming the

Greatest Cretan since Epimenides.

Brown to Star in WHERE'S GORDO Book Series

2009-05-29T17:27:00.007+08:00

Number 10 Downing Street today confirmed that the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown has not vanished at all. Instead he has been secretly working on a new book series to be published after the European Elections. WHERE’S GORDO will mimic the hugely successful WHERE’S WALLY or as it’s known in the USA, WHERE’S WALDO series of books. Each book contains a number of very highly detailed drawings showing thousands of people in a particular scenario – and only one of them is Gordo. The reader has to scour the picture in minute detail to find the solitary image of Gordo.

Gordo At The Beach (Click for larger version)

The first in the series Gordo Saves The Universe will feature Gordo At The Beach where the reader tries to pick out Gordo from over 1,500 images. The most difficult puzzle in the book is rumoured to be Gordo At The Job Centre where the poor reader is confronted with the daunting task of picking Gordo out of the 3 million unemployed.

Brown is believed to have been offered the contract because of his real-life reputation for being difficult to find when there’s work to do for which he earned the nickname ‘Macavity’.

Chancer Alistair Darling will also be appearing in print where he will play Bill the Badger in the reintroduction of Rupert the Bear cartoon series. Rupert the Bear was withdrawn from circulation many years ago after the name Rupert mysteriously became the second most unpopular name after Hitler.

Chancer Darling as Bill The Badger

Not to be outdone, Ed Balls has approached the Mirror Group with a proposal to reintroduce the traditional Spot The Balls competition. Popular in the 1980s Spot The Balls presents the reader with a scene from a football match where a number of players are caught in action. The reader has to determine which is the prick.

Ed Balls in Spot The Prick

According to Jean Poole of the Royal-Payne Talent Agency, ‘The rush by soon-to-be-former-Labour-MPs to turn themselves into cartoon characters is not unexpected. They can’t find a job in the real world so this is about the best they can do. Most Labour MPs will find this is the only way to make a living in the future. Except, of course, for John Prescott who's just totally fucking useless. If Walt Disney was alive today he’d be turning in his grave’.

Wylie T. Coyote was not available for comment as he is on the campaign trail in Salford running against Hazel Blears. However, he issued a statement saying, 'Often endogenous growth theory assumes constant marginal product of capital at the aggregate level, or at least that the limit of the marginal product of capital does not tend towards zero. This does not imply that larger firms will be more productive than small ones, because at the firm level the marginal product of capital is still diminishing. So Ed Balls must be the prick, eh?'

Hazel Blears is casting for a 2-episode part in The Simpsons while John Prescott stated, 'I've got a bus'.

You couldn't make it up.

Brown a ‘Red’ at Last

2009-05-19T22:47:00.003+08:00

Gordon Brown gave the nation an insight into the future of Labour politics when he last night resigned as Prime Minister and unexpectedly signed for Manchester United as a replacement for Argentinian misfit, Carlos Tevez. Brown, who will play out of position for United admitted that he has never actually played football before – but he has worn both the Number 10 and Number 11 jerseys.

‘I’ve seen it played at Raith Rovers, the team of Adam Smith’, he stated, ‘Then, I’d never managed an economy or a government before and I think it’s fair to say I’ve had a significant impact in both these positions. I liked the Number 11 position best since I enjoy playing out wide on the Left.’

Brown enjoys playing on the Left.

Interestingly, Brown was initially tipped to wear the coveted Manchester Number 10 shirt immortalised by another great Scot, Dennis Law, however, he has elected to play the game in a ‘lounge suit’ as he believes the distinctive red shirt of the Red Devils is ‘elitist’.

‘Many years ago I chose to attend the Mansion House dinner in a lounge suit instead of black tie. This made me an instant hit with ‘reds’ everywhere. Now Manchester United can sell lounge suits alongside their football jerseys through their global chain of concessions stores. Even David Beckham didn’t contribute this much to the Red Devils’ bottom line.’

For years Brown has been coached by his mentor, Ed ‘balls’ Balls and is recognised as one of the world’s leading exponents of the post-neoclassical endogenous long-ball game where after a striker scores a goal he turns around and tries to score in the other direction so that nobody ever loses a game. When asked whether this new element would be introduced into Manchester United’s game, boss Alex Ferguson responded, ‘Awa ye go afore a pit the heid in ye.’

Martin to take the Numer 1 at Celtic.

Although it was widely anticipated that Speaker Michael Martin would sign for Glasgow Rangers he has instead chosen to play for their bitter rivals, Celtic. ‘Mick’s always been a Tim so its no a big surprise he chose tae play fur the hoops,’ says Celtic mangler, Gordon Strachan.

Martin will replace Polish hardman, Artur Boruc in goals. ‘Aye, its hard tae pit anything by him’, admires Strachan, ‘he really takes control from the back.’

Martin likes to control from the back, says Strachan.

Former Manchester legend Bobby Charlton commented, ‘It’s great to have someone who knows so much about striking here at the team. But I don’t know about playing in a lounge suit. If Georgie Best was alive today he’d be turning in his grave.’

Martin takes a cut in pay to play for Celtic.

Adam Smith who once captained Raith Rovers to a memorable victory over Moscow Dynamo was unavailable for comment.

You couldn't make it up.

Major Plonquer Resigns as MP

2009-05-19T15:33:00.004+08:00

Today the popular internet personality, political commentator and all-round raconteur, Major Amadeus Plonquer pre-empted David Cameron and announced that he is to resign his position as a Conservative MP with immediate effect. The bold move took Cameron completely by surprise and left him ‘utterly astonished’ according to a source at Conservative HQ.

In a news conference today Plonquer explained, ‘Given the reputation of Parliament and Parliamentarians, this is without a doubt the right thing to do. Even though I’m not currently an MP, I was planning to put my name forward as a candidate at the next election. Now I think I should take a stand on principal and to show that I understand the mood of the British public, tender my resignation a year before the election.’

Major Plonquer's supporters express their opinion.

Plonquer continued, ‘I should point out that everything I’ve done has been 100% within the rules. Even so, the great British public now loathes MPs so much that wanting to be one is considered a crime against society. I hope my constituents will understand that I’ve always had their interests at heart.’

Major Plonquer is also a Director of the Nantwich-Transylvania Pitch Fork and Torch Company. The company are reporting much higher than normal demand for their products this year although this is not thought to be a factor in his decision to resign.

Plonquer also confirmed that he will continue his campaign to see Frank Ifield appointed Speaker of the House. ‘Frank hasn’t done much since he had a hit with I Remember You in the 1960s’, he stated, ‘but his yodel is still as good as it ever was and he’s an obvious choice for Speaker.’

Plonquer supports Frank Ifield for Speaker

On the condition that he remain anonymous an aide to David Cameron, Henry Padington-Smythe, declared, ‘I think it’s a disgrace that an Honourable Member such as Major Plonquer has fallen on his sword and broken his pledge. This is the act or a truly honourable man. If Ted Heath was alive today he’d be turning in his grave’.

The Speaker of the House, Michael Martin was available for comment but our reported couldn’t understand a word he said. In a written statement he said ‘Awa afore ah pit the heid in ye’.

Martin NOT the Worst Speaker

2009-05-12T12:51:00.003+08:00

Despite almost universal calls for Michael J. ‘Gorbals Mick’ Martin to step down as Speaker of the House a rigorous historical review finds that he was not the worst Speaker in the history of the House. Nor will Martin be the first sitting Speaker to be deposed if it comes to that.

Walter of Shropshire released a bear into the House

Theodore Nugent’s voluminous work, ‘The History of Parliament’ recounts that in the 13^th century during the rule of Edward I (the Hammer of the Scots) a Speaker of the House by the name of Walter of Shropshire was impeached and nearly lynched by his peers. During the course of a debate concerning the role of Romanie Gypsies and their sport of bear-baiting, Walter released a seven foot high Russian brown bear in the Chamber of the House. The bear was eventually wrestled to the floor by the members of the Cross Party Committee on Papal Indulgences but not before the Tory Member of Bolsover was savagely mauled and had part of his head bitten off.

In Victorian times, the Whig Speaker Sir Cecil Cuthbert-Cuthbertson famously refused to allow any Tories to ask questions or make speeches. For the entire year-long Parliamentary session when a Tory stood up in the House Cuthbert-Cuthbertson would likewise stand up, look directly at the Tory, break wind and sit down again. Cuthbert-Cuthbertson was finally impeached when it was discovered he was importing barrels of Korean kimchee and charging it to his Parliamentary expenses.

Cecil Cuthbert-Cuthbertson inspired the modern Lib-Dems

After he was drummed out of Parliament Cuthbert-Cuthbertson became one of the most popular Fellows of Corpus Christi College in Cambridge where he regularly conducted discussions about Moral Positivism in Politics. He remained famous for his kimchee dinners after which he would often attempt to break his record for a single continuous wind-break. Extremely popular with the student body, Cuthbert-Cuthbertson earned the nickname ‘Brown Trousers Cecil’ and is largely believed to be one of the inspirations of the modern day Liberal Democrat Party.

Former Speaker of the House, Betty Boothroyd commented, ‘If Selwyn Lloyd was alive today he’d be turning in his grave’.

Theodore Nugent was not available for comment.

You couldn’t make it up.

Loo-Seats Chewed - It was Bulimia says Prescott

2009-05-10T16:12:00.010+08:00

Prescott canvasses for votes in Hull.

Former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott today defended his claim to have his toilet seat replaced – twice – by explaining it was all a result of his bulimia.

“I don’t know if you know – but I know if you don't,” claimed Prescott, “but this bulimia is a terrible affectation. First you eat something – on the taxpayer’s expense – then you chuck the whole thing up because you feel guilty at being a burden to all the pensioners on £96 a week who have to eat cat food."

Prescott's toilet seat shows distinct bite-marks.

Prescott continued, “While you’ve got your head down the loo you don’t half feel guilty. But, all of a sudden, you’re hungry again. Me, I don’t want to burden all the pensioners on £96 a week – so I take a bite out of the toilet seat.

“If you were a pensioner making do on just £96 a week I’m sure you’d be happy that instead of me and Pauline driving down the steakhouse for a Porterhouse with grilled tomato, chips and carrots and a Steak Diane with lobster on the side, chips, tomato, mushy peas and an extra helping of mashed potatoes - all on the taxpayer of course - I do the right thing and take a bite out of the toilet seat instead. I’ve got a bus you know.”

While he didn’t claim it on the public expense, Peter Mandelson had a 'toilet ensemble' custom made by John Lewis for his apartment in Monaco. The inside of the bowl sports an elaborate porcelain engraving of Gordon Brown while each sheet of the custom-made, double-thick toilet paper features the distinctive Red and Gold Portcullis emblem of the House of Lords.

Meanwhile it’s reported that David Miliband has ordered a custom-made, high-tech, Chinese-made toilet fabricated as an exact replica of the iconic door at Number 10 Downing Street. When engaged the toilet seat automatically elevates to a height of 3 meters so that the user can, as the manufacturer Freud-a-Loo's brochure states, ‘shit on their ambitions from a great height’.

Leader of the opposition Communist Party, David Cameron observed, “This is all too much. If George Osborne were alive today he’d be turning in his grave.”

John Prescott declined to comment on the grounds that he couldn’t spell ‘bus’.

You couldn’t make it up.

Brown to Introduce Moral GPS System

2009-05-04T20:56:00.006+08:00

Following on the enormous triumph of his YouTube appearance last week, Gordon Brown is embracing modern technology yet again – this time he’ll replace his much criticised Moral Compass with a nationwide, hi-tech, Moral GPS System.

According to Prime Minister Brown, ‘My appearance on YouTube last week is gaining a LOT of momentum. More people are watching it now than watched that Daniel Hannan fellow talking to himself in Brussels. And I’ve already shown that all I have to do is pick my nose and millions of people follow me on the Internet. This proves without a doubt that I understand modern media and I’m fully in control of my online Web 2.0 strategy. Now I’ve decided to bequeath my technological legacy to the British people - my Moral GPS System’.

The Moral GPS System is believed to be a specially developed version of a similar system available in the USA – as reported on the enormously influential American DOTPENN website last year (see http://www.dotpenn.com/index.php/U.S/Country-To-Install-New-Moral-GPS-System.html).

The British system will, however, sport an upgraded user-interface that will monitor every moral scenario the owner experiences and present them with a simple dialog box with buttons to select between the two moral options (1) HELP THEM or (2) FUCK THEM.

Image courtesy of DOTPENN.COM (a tres cool website)

With these options a user can navigate his or her way through any moral dilemma – such as ‘Should we let these Gurkha bastards live in our country?’ Or even ‘Should crooks like Baroness Uddin be jailed for ripping off the British taxpayer?’

When shown an early prototype of the Moral GPS Receiver former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott remarked, ‘That’s very nice. I’ve got a bus.’

Hazel Blears, the embattled Communists Secretary commented, ‘Modern technology is all well and good. I mean, if I CouldTube I WouldTube. But if Hugh Gaitskell was alive today he’d be turning in his grave.’

Even though he commented earlier, John Prescott faxed us to let us know he was not available for commerce.

You couldn’t make it up.

Blears - Brown is a Cunt. But that's not Criticism

2009-05-03T13:50:00.008+08:00

Hazel Blears, the Communists Secretary, today insisted that she was not criticising Gordon Brown when she called him ‘a despicable snivelling toady of a snot-chewing moronic illiterate cunt’.

“No”, she insisted, “I was quoted out of context. My comments were directed at certain of Number 10’s economic policies. I was commenting on Gordon and Ed’s Post Neoclassical Endogenous Growth Theory – which seems to have been lost in the post – and my comments were misconstrued.

“Gordon has my support 100% and I was not threatened or intimidated by Gordon or any of his goons, including, but not limited to John Prescott, in any way. Oh, no. Anyone who knows me knows that while I am but a very small girl I don’t bend to pressure by brutal thugs who try to intimidate me. And by ‘brutal thugs’ I mean that in the most positive of contexts.”

“This happens to me a lot’, continued Blears. “You may recall that I was quoted in the Telegraph in January as saying that ‘Political campaigning is like sex.’ I didn’t say that at all. I said ‘Peter Mandelson is a Wanker’. That nice Mr McBride at Number 10 simply changed it to a more positive position. I think Number 10 relies too much on spin. And I mean that in the most positive sense. But if John Smith was alive today he'd be turning in his grave’

John Prescott declined comment citing his inability to spell ‘unavailable’.

You couldn’t make it up.

Balls - A Big economic Theory Did It and Ran Away.

2009-05-02T18:13:00.004+08:00

Ed Balls, the Child Minster, today claimed that he didn’t break the economy. ‘It was post neoclassical endogenous growth theory wot done it - and then ran away’ he insisted. ‘It wasn’t me or Gord’.

Balls demonstrates post neoclassical endogenous growth theory

Balls explained, ‘Like, in 1994 me mate Gord an me was just, like, y’know, larkin about. People thought we were just like dumb socialist bastards and like we didn’t understand real economics. So we, like, y’know, bought a book, like. So we looked for somefink with a clever title an’ all. We found this book about ‘Post Neoclassical Endogenous Growth Theory’ an we thought, yeah, that’ll impress them wot wif big words an all.

‘OK it was a crap theory an all that,’ Balls continued, ‘but fink of the damage. OK so the economy, like, might be down a trillion or two, but, like, Gord an I paid, like, two hundred quid for that book. So who’s the real loser.’

Post neoclassical endogenous growth theory was first introduced by Gordon Brown in a speech in 1994 but has now mysteriously vanished which strengthens Balls claims.

Scotland Yard Superintendant Stan Still commented, ‘Often endogenous growth theory assumes constant marginal product of capital at the aggregate level, or at least that the limit of the marginal product of capital does not tend towards zero. This does not imply that larger firms will be more productive than small ones, because at the firm level the marginal product of capital is still diminishing. So I don’t think we’ll be pursuing this. You can’t dust for an economic theory’

Superintendant Still continued, ‘Ed Balls is a junior so we won’t be prosecuting. I think everyone will wholeheartedly agree that he is indeed the loser.’

Joseph Schumpeter was not available for comment.

You couldn’t make this up.