Sunday, April 26, 2009

Brown Transforms New Labour

Gordon Brown and arch Labour spinmeister Peter Mandelson today announced that New Labour is to change its name to Even Newer Labour.

According to Mandelson, ‘Even Newer Labour is newer than old New Labour but in reality Even Newer Labour is older than the old Labour before New Labour. Even Newer Labour isn’t quite as old as the old Labour Representation Committee or even Keir Hardie’s Independent Labour Party but is as old as the Labour Party itself. At the same time it’s newer than New Labour. Even Newer Labour is a return to the roots of Keir Hardie coupled with Brownian Post Neo-Classical Endogenous Growth Theory.

To mark the birth of Even Newer Labour a clause is to be inserted into the party’s constitution. This new clause, called Clause 4b, states:

The Party will ensure that the means of production remain in the hands of the many, not the few

Analysts interpret this as recognition of the modern economic condition where goods – and the means to produce them – are made in China not in the UK.

All members of Even Newer Labour are to be issued with new membership cards – to be called Principles Cards which indicate a return to Labour’s Marxist-Lennonist roots. One side sports a picture of Marx along with two famous Marxist quotes:

‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. ‘

Even Newer Labour Principles Card

The opposite side has a picture of Lennon along with the quote:

Let me tell you how it will be
There's one for you, nineteen for me

Should five per cent appear too small

Be thankful I don't take it all

Both sides of the card also display Even Newer Labour’s new logo, a bright red tractor. Even Newer Labour Central Office selected this new logo because of the apparent difficulty of finding red roses in England as many farms and florists have gone out of business or emigrated.

The Conservative William Hague, widely tipped to become Prime Minister after David Cameron stated, ‘Here we see even Newer Labour reverting to type and demonstrating that they know very little about modern politics. Everyone knows that Taxman was the work of George Harrison and not Lennon. If Lennon was alive today he'd be turning in his grave’

Tony Blair was unavailable for comment.

You couldn’t make this up.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Gordon Brown to Star in New Star Trek Movie

Gordon Brown as Klingon madman Shah-Ton d'Rich.

Universoid Studios today announced that Prime Minister Gordon Brown will star in the new Star Trek ‘prequelsequel’ to be titled Revenge of the Klingons.

The plot of the film sees the intrepid crew of the Starship Enterprise come up against the Klingons for the first time since the Great Leader TahtQar deposed the Klingon Emperor Qal-la-Han. Brown will play the insane leader of the Klingons, Shah-Ton d’Rich who is attempting to destroy the Earth by taxing gravity. Publicist Damian McDolly says, 'If ever there was a natural Klingon madman, it's Gordon, what with his diet of fingernails and things that come out of his nose. The first thing that comes to most peoples' minds when they think of Gordon Brown? Klingon Bastard!'

Earlier rumours that there was also a part for Chancer of the Exchequer, Alistair Dalek were quashed when the film’s PR department leaked that the word ‘exterminate’ was not in the script. He is widely expected to be offered a part in the remake of the Marx Brothers classic Horse Feathers. Which of the Marx Brothers he will play is open to much speculation. Spin Magazine reports that he will play the part of Groucho (thanks to his ‘Groucho’ eyebrows) although many believe he is more likely to take the part of Karl.

John Redwood was not available for comment.

You couldn't make this up.

UK To Put a Man on the Sun says Brown

Gordon Brown was today forced to announce his latest national initiative to get the British economy back on its feet. Britain will be the first nation on Earth to send a man to the Sun he says. This follows on the heels of the revelation by scientists this week that the Sun is cooling and now stands at the lowest temperature ever recorded.

According to Brown, ‘Sending a man to the Sun will have a substantial impact on the British economy. History shows that it was Britain alone who had the courage to conquer the planet Earth and create the greatest Empire television has ever seen. By being the first to plant the Union Jack on the Sun we’ll increase our influence here on Earth and the entire British economy will benefit.

‘Beleaguered British estate agents will have a field day selling plots of the Sun. Why spend your hard-earned family cash buying a holiday home closer to the Sun when you can buy a British-made plot on the Sun itself?’

When questioned by reporters about the Sun’s enormously high temperature Brown replied, ‘We’ll go at night. The first landings will all be at night until the solar cooling effect reduces the temperature so we can go by day as well. This will likely happen around the same time the UK has paid off its national debt.’

Brown also hinted that it is now Labour’s policy to support the Expanding Universe Theory and the government are preparing a new bill to accelerate the expansion by 'Quantum Easing'. ‘This is all part of my Integrated Transport policy,’ said Brown, ‘the expansion of space itself will help Britain’s traffic congestion.’

Brown’s political ally and soul-mate, Al Gore, responded, ‘This is a bold move by the UK that will help solve the global energy crisis. Our scientists have noticed that solar panels become more efficient the closer they are to the Sun. Placing an array of solar panels on the Sun itself will greatly alleviate the worldwide energy problem. By the way, I invented the Internet.’

Legal experts believe that the expedition to the Sun may face a challenge in the courts. The purported owner of the Sun, Rupert Murdoch, was unavailable for comment.

Brown’s hurried announcement of the solar expedition was forced after a partially printed policy document discovered inside a damaged laser printer sent by Number 10 for repair was leaked to Guido Fawkes.

You couldn't make this up.