Gordon Brown and arch Labour spinmeister Peter Mandelson today announced that New Labour is to change its name to Even Newer Labour.
According to Mandelson, ‘Even Newer Labour is newer than old New Labour but in reality Even Newer Labour is older than the old Labour before New Labour. Even Newer Labour isn’t quite as old as the old Labour Representation Committee or even Keir Hardie’s Independent Labour Party but is as old as the Labour Party itself. At the same time it’s newer than New Labour. Even Newer Labour is a return to the roots of Keir Hardie coupled with Brownian Post Neo-Classical Endogenous Growth Theory.’
To mark the birth of Even Newer Labour a clause is to be inserted into the party’s constitution. This new clause, called Clause 4b, states:
‘The Party will ensure that the means of production remain in the hands of the many, not the few’
Analysts interpret this as recognition of the modern economic condition where goods – and the means to produce them – are made in China not in the UK.
All members of Even Newer Labour are to be issued with new membership cards – to be called Principles Cards which indicate a return to Labour’s Marxist-Lennonist roots. One side sports a picture of Marx along with two famous Marxist quotes:
‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. ‘
The opposite side has a picture of Lennon along with the quote:
‘Let me tell you how it will be
There's one for you, nineteen for me
Should five per cent appear too small
Be thankful I don't take it all’
Both sides of the card also display Even Newer Labour’s new logo, a bright red tractor. Even Newer Labour Central Office selected this new logo because of the apparent difficulty of finding red roses in England as many farms and florists have gone out of business or emigrated.
The Conservative William Hague, widely tipped to become Prime Minister after David Cameron stated, ‘Here we see even Newer Labour reverting to type and demonstrating that they know very little about modern politics. Everyone knows that Taxman was the work of George Harrison and not Lennon. If Lennon was alive today he'd be turning in his grave’
Tony Blair was unavailable for comment.
You couldn’t make this up.