Friday, May 29, 2009

Brown to Star in WHERE'S GORDO Book Series

Number 10 Downing Street today confirmed that the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown has not vanished at all. Instead he has been secretly working on a new book series to be published after the European Elections. WHERE’S GORDO will mimic the hugely successful WHERE’S WALLY or as it’s known in the USA, WHERE’S WALDO series of books. Each book contains a number of very highly detailed drawings showing thousands of people in a particular scenario – and only one of them is Gordo. The reader has to scour the picture in minute detail to find the solitary image of Gordo.

Gordo At The Beach (Click for larger version)

The first in the series Gordo Saves The Universe will feature Gordo At The Beach where the reader tries to pick out Gordo from over 1,500 images. The most difficult puzzle in the book is rumoured to be Gordo At The Job Centre where the poor reader is confronted with the daunting task of picking Gordo out of the 3 million unemployed.

Brown is believed to have been offered the contract because of his real-life reputation for being difficult to find when there’s work to do for which he earned the nickname ‘Macavity’.

Chancer Alistair Darling will also be appearing in print where he will play Bill the Badger in the reintroduction of Rupert the Bear cartoon series. Rupert the Bear was withdrawn from circulation many years ago after the name Rupert mysteriously became the second most unpopular name after Hitler.

Chancer Darling as Bill The Badger

Not to be outdone, Ed Balls has approached the Mirror Group with a proposal to reintroduce the traditional Spot The Balls competition. Popular in the 1980s Spot The Balls presents the reader with a scene from a football match where a number of players are caught in action. The reader has to determine which is the prick.

Ed Balls in Spot The Prick

According to Jean Poole of the Royal-Payne Talent Agency, ‘The rush by soon-to-be-former-Labour-MPs to turn themselves into cartoon characters is not unexpected. They can’t find a job in the real world so this is about the best they can do. Most Labour MPs will find this is the only way to make a living in the future. Except, of course, for John Prescott who's just totally fucking useless. If Walt Disney was alive today he’d be turning in his grave’.

Wylie T. Coyote was not available for comment as he is on the campaign trail in Salford running against Hazel Blears. However, he issued a statement saying, 'Often endogenous growth theory assumes constant marginal product of capital at the aggregate level, or at least that the limit of the marginal product of capital does not tend towards zero. This does not imply that larger firms will be more productive than small ones, because at the firm level the marginal product of capital is still diminishing. So Ed Balls must be the prick, eh?'

Hazel Blears is casting for a 2-episode part in The Simpsons while John Prescott stated, 'I've got a bus'.

You couldn't make it up.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Brown a ‘Red’ at Last

Gordon Brown gave the nation an insight into the future of Labour politics when he last night resigned as Prime Minister and unexpectedly signed for Manchester United as a replacement for Argentinian misfit, Carlos Tevez. Brown, who will play out of position for United admitted that he has never actually played football before – but he has worn both the Number 10 and Number 11 jerseys.

I’ve seen it played at Raith Rovers, the team of Adam Smith’, he stated, ‘Then, I’d never managed an economy or a government before and I think it’s fair to say I’ve had a significant impact in both these positions. I liked the Number 11 position best since I enjoy playing out wide on the Left.

Brown enjoys playing on the Left.

Interestingly, Brown was initially tipped to wear the coveted Manchester Number 10 shirt immortalised by another great Scot, Dennis Law, however, he has elected to play the game in a ‘lounge suit’ as he believes the distinctive red shirt of the Red Devils is ‘elitist’.

Many years ago I chose to attend the Mansion House dinner in a lounge suit instead of black tie. This made me an instant hit with ‘reds’ everywhere. Now Manchester United can sell lounge suits alongside their football jerseys through their global chain of concessions stores. Even David Beckham didn’t contribute this much to the Red Devils’ bottom line.’

For years Brown has been coached by his mentor, Ed ‘balls’ Balls and is recognised as one of the world’s leading exponents of the post-neoclassical endogenous long-ball game where after a striker scores a goal he turns around and tries to score in the other direction so that nobody ever loses a game. When asked whether this new element would be introduced into Manchester United’s game, boss Alex Ferguson responded, ‘Awa ye go afore a pit the heid in ye.’

Martin to take the Numer 1 at Celtic.

Although it was widely anticipated that Speaker Michael Martin would sign for Glasgow Rangers he has instead chosen to play for their bitter rivals, Celtic. ‘Mick’s always been a Tim so its no a big surprise he chose tae play fur the hoops,’ says Celtic mangler, Gordon Strachan.

Martin will replace Polish hardman, Artur Boruc in goals. ‘Aye, its hard tae pit anything by him’, admires Strachan, ‘he really takes control from the back.

Martin likes to control from the back, says Strachan.

Former Manchester legend Bobby Charlton commented, ‘It’s great to have someone who knows so much about striking here at the team. But I don’t know about playing in a lounge suit. If Georgie Best was alive today he’d be turning in his grave.’

Martin takes a cut in pay to play for Celtic.

Adam Smith who once captained Raith Rovers to a memorable victory over Moscow Dynamo was unavailable for comment.

You couldn't make it up.