Sunday, April 26, 2009

Brown Transforms New Labour

Gordon Brown and arch Labour spinmeister Peter Mandelson today announced that New Labour is to change its name to Even Newer Labour.

According to Mandelson, ‘Even Newer Labour is newer than old New Labour but in reality Even Newer Labour is older than the old Labour before New Labour. Even Newer Labour isn’t quite as old as the old Labour Representation Committee or even Keir Hardie’s Independent Labour Party but is as old as the Labour Party itself. At the same time it’s newer than New Labour. Even Newer Labour is a return to the roots of Keir Hardie coupled with Brownian Post Neo-Classical Endogenous Growth Theory.

To mark the birth of Even Newer Labour a clause is to be inserted into the party’s constitution. This new clause, called Clause 4b, states:

The Party will ensure that the means of production remain in the hands of the many, not the few

Analysts interpret this as recognition of the modern economic condition where goods – and the means to produce them – are made in China not in the UK.

All members of Even Newer Labour are to be issued with new membership cards – to be called Principles Cards which indicate a return to Labour’s Marxist-Lennonist roots. One side sports a picture of Marx along with two famous Marxist quotes:

‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. ‘

Even Newer Labour Principles Card

The opposite side has a picture of Lennon along with the quote:

Let me tell you how it will be
There's one for you, nineteen for me

Should five per cent appear too small

Be thankful I don't take it all

Both sides of the card also display Even Newer Labour’s new logo, a bright red tractor. Even Newer Labour Central Office selected this new logo because of the apparent difficulty of finding red roses in England as many farms and florists have gone out of business or emigrated.

The Conservative William Hague, widely tipped to become Prime Minister after David Cameron stated, ‘Here we see even Newer Labour reverting to type and demonstrating that they know very little about modern politics. Everyone knows that Taxman was the work of George Harrison and not Lennon. If Lennon was alive today he'd be turning in his grave’

Tony Blair was unavailable for comment.

You couldn’t make this up.


  1. I think you made this up

  2. I didn't say I couldn't make up this stuff. I said YOU couldn't make it up.

  3. Marxism sees the proletariat and bourgeoisie (capitalist class) as occupying conflicting positions, since (for example) factory workers automatically wish wages to be as high as possible, while owners and their proxies wish for wages (costs) to be as low as possible.

    In Marxist theory, the borders between the proletariat and (1) some layers of the petite bourgeoisie, who rely primarily but not exclusively on self-employment at an income no different from an ordinary wage or below it; and (2) the lumpen proletariat, who are not in legal employment; are not necessarily well defined. Intermediate positions are possible, where some wage-labor for an employer combines with self-employment. Socialist political parties have often struggled over the question of whether they should seek to organize and represent the entire proletariat, or just the wage-earning working class.

    With that said I'm now off to the bookies.

  4. Bring back the Dictatorship of the Proletariat.

    This is the only way to prevent Manchester United increasing their domination. Arsenal are pish.

  5. I have a horrible feeling you are making your own comments up....


  6. Oh thank goodness! At least labour are being honest for the first time. I would prefer to know they intend to fuck us left, right and centre rather than them carrying on using a sledgehammer to crack a nut! Although they need help with their design work.

  7. This is not so far from the truth, but it's out of date. In September 2005 the spinners sat down and thought how to relaunch Labour. As a joke someone threw the idea "New New Labour" into the ring.

    But it was treated seriously by Ed Balls. We can work that into a slogan, he thought... thus was born "Renew New Labour":

    "The next few years are critical. We must renew new Labour and then the country" - intoned Balls, as if the government was a recalled library book. But the government hadn't done anything useful with its two terms (except pass the Freedom of Information Act), so decided it needed to renew itself. Brown added: "renewing New Labour would be as challenging as creating it had been in the first place." Too right, son.