Gordon Brown was today forced to announce his latest national initiative to get the British economy back on its feet. Britain will be the first nation on Earth to send a man to the Sun he says. This follows on the heels of the revelation by scientists this week that the Sun is cooling and now stands at the lowest temperature ever recorded.
According to Brown, ‘Sending a man to the Sun will have a substantial impact on the British economy. History shows that it was Britain alone who had the courage to conquer the planet Earth and create the greatest Empire television has ever seen. By being the first to plant the Union Jack on the Sun we’ll increase our influence here on Earth and the entire British economy will benefit.
‘Beleaguered British estate agents will have a field day selling plots of the Sun. Why spend your hard-earned family cash buying a holiday home closer to the Sun when you can buy a British-made plot on the Sun itself?’
When questioned by reporters about the Sun’s enormously high temperature Brown replied, ‘We’ll go at night. The first landings will all be at night until the solar cooling effect reduces the temperature so we can go by day as well. This will likely happen around the same time the UK has paid off its national debt.’
Brown also hinted that it is now Labour’s policy to support the Expanding Universe Theory and the government are preparing a new bill to accelerate the expansion by 'Quantum Easing'. ‘This is all part of my Integrated Transport policy,’ said Brown, ‘the expansion of space itself will help Britain’s traffic congestion.’
Brown’s political ally and soul-mate, Al Gore, responded, ‘This is a bold move by the UK that will help solve the global energy crisis. Our scientists have noticed that solar panels become more efficient the closer they are to the Sun. Placing an array of solar panels on the Sun itself will greatly alleviate the worldwide energy problem. By the way, I invented the Internet.’
Legal experts believe that the expedition to the Sun may face a challenge in the courts. The purported owner of the Sun, Rupert Murdoch, was unavailable for comment.
Brown’s hurried announcement of the solar expedition was forced after a partially printed policy document discovered inside a damaged laser printer sent by Number 10 for repair was leaked to Guido Fawkes.
You couldn't make this up.