Former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott today defended his claim to have his toilet seat replaced – twice – by explaining it was all a result of his bulimia.
“I don’t know if you know – but I know if you don't,” claimed Prescott, “but this bulimia is a terrible affectation. First you eat something – on the taxpayer’s expense – then you chuck the whole thing up because you feel guilty at being a burden to all the pensioners on £96 a week who have to eat cat food."
Prescott's toilet seat shows distinct bite-marks.
Prescott continued, “While you’ve got your head down the loo you don’t half feel guilty. But, all of a sudden, you’re hungry again. Me, I don’t want to burden all the pensioners on £96 a week – so I take a bite out of the toilet seat.
“If you were a pensioner making do on just £96 a week I’m sure you’d be happy that instead of me and Pauline driving down the steakhouse for a Porterhouse with grilled tomato, chips and carrots and a Steak Diane with lobster on the side, chips, tomato, mushy peas and an extra helping of mashed potatoes - all on the taxpayer of course - I do the right thing and take a bite out of the toilet seat instead. I’ve got a bus you know.”
While he didn’t claim it on the public expense, Peter Mandelson had a 'toilet ensemble' custom made by John Lewis for his apartment in Monaco. The inside of the bowl sports an elaborate porcelain engraving of Gordon Brown while each sheet of the custom-made, double-thick toilet paper features the distinctive Red and Gold Portcullis emblem of the House of Lords.
Meanwhile it’s reported that David Miliband has ordered a custom-made, high-tech, Chinese-made toilet fabricated as an exact replica of the iconic door at Number 10 Downing Street. When engaged the toilet seat automatically elevates to a height of 3 meters so that the user can, as the manufacturer Freud-a-Loo's brochure states, ‘shit on their ambitions from a great height’.
Leader of the opposition Communist Party, David Cameron observed, “This is all too much. If George Osborne were alive today he’d be turning in his grave.”
John Prescott declined to comment on the grounds that he couldn’t spell ‘bus’.
You couldn’t make it up.