Gordon Brown gave the nation an insight into the future of Labour politics when he last night resigned as Prime Minister and unexpectedly signed for Manchester United as a replacement for Argentinian misfit, Carlos Tevez. Brown, who will play out of position for United admitted that he has never actually played football before – but he has worn both the Number 10 and Number 11 jerseys.
‘I’ve seen it played at Raith Rovers, the team of Adam Smith’, he stated, ‘Then, I’d never managed an economy or a government before and I think it’s fair to say I’ve had a significant impact in both these positions. I liked the Number 11 position best since I enjoy playing out wide on the Left.’
Brown enjoys playing on the Left.
Interestingly, Brown was initially tipped to wear the coveted Manchester Number 10 shirt immortalised by another great Scot, Dennis Law, however, he has elected to play the game in a ‘lounge suit’ as he believes the distinctive red shirt of the Red Devils is ‘elitist’.
‘Many years ago I chose to attend the Mansion House dinner in a lounge suit instead of black tie. This made me an instant hit with ‘reds’ everywhere. Now Manchester United can sell lounge suits alongside their football jerseys through their global chain of concessions stores. Even David Beckham didn’t contribute this much to the Red Devils’ bottom line.’
For years Brown has been coached by his mentor, Ed ‘balls’ Balls and is recognised as one of the world’s leading exponents of the post-neoclassical endogenous long-ball game where after a striker scores a goal he turns around and tries to score in the other direction so that nobody ever loses a game. When asked whether this new element would be introduced into Manchester United’s game, boss Alex Ferguson responded, ‘Awa ye go afore a pit the heid in ye.’
Martin to take the Numer 1 at Celtic.
Although it was widely anticipated that Speaker Michael Martin would sign for Glasgow Rangers he has instead chosen to play for their bitter rivals, Celtic. ‘Mick’s always been a Tim so its no a big surprise he chose tae play fur the hoops,’ says Celtic mangler, Gordon Strachan.
Martin will replace Polish hardman, Artur Boruc in goals. ‘Aye, its hard tae pit anything by him’, admires Strachan, ‘he really takes control from the back.’
Martin likes to control from the back, says Strachan.
Former Manchester legend Bobby Charlton commented, ‘It’s great to have someone who knows so much about striking here at the team. But I don’t know about playing in a lounge suit. If Georgie Best was alive today he’d be turning in his grave.’
Martin takes a cut in pay to play for Celtic.
Adam Smith who once captained Raith Rovers to a memorable victory over Moscow Dynamo was unavailable for comment.You couldn't make it up.